I was asked recently, "What are your current writing goals?"
The wonderful thing is that at this stage of my life I don't have any. I like doing this. I have goals for this blog (as I begin to age and fall apart I want to share that with you) but that's about it.
If I were younger a fantasy goal would be to write for "The New Yorker." Specifically a few "Shouts & Murmurs." I love it but most people don't even begin to understand it. I met a retired psychology professor a couple of weeks ago and we had instant rapport. He too loves "The New Yorker," including "Shouts & Murmurs." But that doesn't happen often.
This week's column, by Bruce McCall, is a tongue in cheek review of restaurants in Iran. It doesn't say that's what it is. You have to figure it out for yourself. Following is a review of a sports bar:
Bar of the Sport Martyrs
Satan nakedly disports here in this unnecessarily festive wormhole of godless international big-screen soccer worship, where recently a male patron was rumored to have publicly attempted the pornographic Heimlich maneuver on an unresisting female patron, who then projectile-vomited her half-digested khorest-e fesenjan all over a portrait of President Ahmadinejad. No access for armored cars.
Isn't this one of the most hysterical and insightful sports bar reviews you've ever read?
***
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Hair
When we were having breakfast this morning at a neighborhood restaurant a young woman came in with two little kids. She obviously was receiving chemo. She ordered breakfast for the children and tea for herself. She was beautiful but pale and bald.
We both had empathy for her. After they left we began discussing hair. Dave said "Women are vain about their hair."
In his defense I'll say that he's been through the experience of having his beautiful wife loose her hair due to chemo so he has a right to express himself on this issue.
But... My reply was:
"Have you ever heard of Rogaine for Men and those painful implants?"
Yes, in the battle of the sexes I tend to come on a little too strong at times.
After that we had a long friendly conversation about hair.
We want lots of it on some parts of our bodies and none on others. It's only been since the 1940s that women have been routinely removing hair. Now I'm reading that young men are subjecting themselves to all kinds of waxings.
Ouch!
And then there's the strange beard thingies and daily head shavings.
Yes, women are vain about hair but aren't we all?
***
We both had empathy for her. After they left we began discussing hair. Dave said "Women are vain about their hair."
In his defense I'll say that he's been through the experience of having his beautiful wife loose her hair due to chemo so he has a right to express himself on this issue.
But... My reply was:
"Have you ever heard of Rogaine for Men and those painful implants?"
Yes, in the battle of the sexes I tend to come on a little too strong at times.
After that we had a long friendly conversation about hair.
We want lots of it on some parts of our bodies and none on others. It's only been since the 1940s that women have been routinely removing hair. Now I'm reading that young men are subjecting themselves to all kinds of waxings.
Ouch!
And then there's the strange beard thingies and daily head shavings.
Yes, women are vain about hair but aren't we all?
***
Thursday, July 30, 2009
We're Alike
Dave and I are a lot alike. We're both planners and detail people. Some might call us anal retentive (a psychiatric diagnosis.)
Neither of us alphabetizes the canned goods but we've both been known to triple wrap the garbage.
This morning we had to decide which one of us is going to set up a budget for a little project we're starting. Most people wouldn't bother with a budget. They'd just do it. But that's not us.
One of the reasons I loved "The Year of Living Biblically" book was because the writer got obsessed with following all the Old Testament rules.
I'm a rule follower but I couldn't have lived the year that he did.
For instance, anything around A.J. Jacob's apartment that had the potential to stir his libido got covered with a piece of tape. That included the woman in the geisha outfit on the box of Celestial Seasonings tea.
While we'd think of many of the things he did as silly, the ritual made him a better person. A non believer, he started praying three times a day to fulfill his obligation to live biblically and, after a few weeks, it changed him in some powerful ways.
Dave and I like the discipline of regularly doing the same (good) things - even though sometimes it's not easy. (Like working out on the rowing machine at the gym.)
The writer of "The Year of Living Biblically" has OCD (obsessive, compulsive disorder) and that helped him considerably in following the 600 plus Jewish laws for a year.
I don't know what's up with Dave and me.
***
Neither of us alphabetizes the canned goods but we've both been known to triple wrap the garbage.
This morning we had to decide which one of us is going to set up a budget for a little project we're starting. Most people wouldn't bother with a budget. They'd just do it. But that's not us.
One of the reasons I loved "The Year of Living Biblically" book was because the writer got obsessed with following all the Old Testament rules.
I'm a rule follower but I couldn't have lived the year that he did.
For instance, anything around A.J. Jacob's apartment that had the potential to stir his libido got covered with a piece of tape. That included the woman in the geisha outfit on the box of Celestial Seasonings tea.
While we'd think of many of the things he did as silly, the ritual made him a better person. A non believer, he started praying three times a day to fulfill his obligation to live biblically and, after a few weeks, it changed him in some powerful ways.
Dave and I like the discipline of regularly doing the same (good) things - even though sometimes it's not easy. (Like working out on the rowing machine at the gym.)
The writer of "The Year of Living Biblically" has OCD (obsessive, compulsive disorder) and that helped him considerably in following the 600 plus Jewish laws for a year.
I don't know what's up with Dave and me.
***
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sea of Love
Come with me,
My love,
To the sea,
The sea of love,
I want to tell you
Oh, how much
I love you...
Last week we went to a friend's lake house in Wisconsin with three other couples. These are very old friends (I don't necessarily mean very old people) of my fiance's.
By the way, I don't like calling him my fiance. It's not a fun word like "boyfriend." I think I'll start calling him Dave.
Anyway, these people were friends of Dave and his late wife decades before I came on the scene. So it made what they did even more meaningful.
We were to meet that evening at the pontoon boat to cross the lake and have dinner at a little restaurant on the other side - like we'd done before.
But when Dave and I got in (on) the boat there was a fantastic, romantic dinner laid out. Complete with tablecloths and candles. Champagne was immediately uncorked, wine flowed and we headed for the middle of the lake where we feasted on gazpacho, smoked fish and other delicacies while they made toasts to our impending nuptials.
I'm not easily moved and I'm not emotional. But that night I was both. Big time.
Made me want to say them:
I want to tell you
Oh, how much
I love you...
***
Friday, July 24, 2009
Tell An Old Joke
Today is National Tell An Old Joke Day. But you probably already knew that and have been celebrating all day by telling old jokes.
No?
Well, I've got one for you. They say that all jokes stem from a couple of original jokes. One starts like "A guy walks into a bar..." The other starts like "A priest and a Rabbi..."
I'm not good at telling jokes. When I did "platform speaking" I liked to keep people laughing as much as possible but I didn't tell many jokes.
But here's one that you can use forever.
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Sarah, why the long face?"
Joel Osteen walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, Joel, why the long face?"
Barack Obama walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Mr. President, why the long face?"
You get the idea. Now it's your turn.
***
No?
Well, I've got one for you. They say that all jokes stem from a couple of original jokes. One starts like "A guy walks into a bar..." The other starts like "A priest and a Rabbi..."
I'm not good at telling jokes. When I did "platform speaking" I liked to keep people laughing as much as possible but I didn't tell many jokes.
But here's one that you can use forever.
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Sarah, why the long face?"
Joel Osteen walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, Joel, why the long face?"
Barack Obama walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Mr. President, why the long face?"
You get the idea. Now it's your turn.
***
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Golfers Are Crazy
My fiance has been a serious golfer since he was 12 years old. He and his junior high friends rode their bikes - while lugging golf clubs that they'd earned by working on the grounds - to the golf course every summer morning.
He played golf for his high school and his college. He played golf for the Army. (What a sweet deal that was.) He's played with his current golfing buddies for forty years.
He's made four holes-in-one at the public golf course where they play.
This morning it was cold and raining like crazy. He drove to the golf course at 7:00 A.M. There was one other car in the lot. Soon his other two friends arrived and parked on either side. (Yes, all four of them showed up to an empty, rain drenched parking lot.)
What to do....
One guy left but the other three piled into the same car and drove to a course 30 miles south where it "probably" wouldn't be raining.
But it was.
So they drove the 30 miles back to their original golf course. Thank goodness the rain had stopped so they were able to play - and the world as we know it didn't come to an end.
***
He played golf for his high school and his college. He played golf for the Army. (What a sweet deal that was.) He's played with his current golfing buddies for forty years.
He's made four holes-in-one at the public golf course where they play.
This morning it was cold and raining like crazy. He drove to the golf course at 7:00 A.M. There was one other car in the lot. Soon his other two friends arrived and parked on either side. (Yes, all four of them showed up to an empty, rain drenched parking lot.)
What to do....
One guy left but the other three piled into the same car and drove to a course 30 miles south where it "probably" wouldn't be raining.
But it was.
So they drove the 30 miles back to their original golf course. Thank goodness the rain had stopped so they were able to play - and the world as we know it didn't come to an end.
***
Cool Friends and Serious Agendas
My fiance has the coolest friends. Last night we had dinner with a veterinarian and his wife from New Zealand. I took an instant liking to them last year when they were in town.
He was a professor at the university here for many years, then traveled all over the world for Heifer International - one of my favorite groups. Then settled back in their native New Zealand. They're still regularly crossing continents to visit friends and family and such.
We had a good discussion about health care. They like their system in New Zealand and some other countries as well.
As you know, ours isn't working.
We all agreed that we'd like to see the president and others get a sensible plan moving. But the New Zealand Vet likened it to having a baby elephant.
It takes two years and the end part is really messy.
***
He was a professor at the university here for many years, then traveled all over the world for Heifer International - one of my favorite groups. Then settled back in their native New Zealand. They're still regularly crossing continents to visit friends and family and such.
We had a good discussion about health care. They like their system in New Zealand and some other countries as well.
As you know, ours isn't working.
We all agreed that we'd like to see the president and others get a sensible plan moving. But the New Zealand Vet likened it to having a baby elephant.
It takes two years and the end part is really messy.
***
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