Should Be Titled "Morally Bankrupt"

On Saturday my friend and I went to the movies. Through a series of comprises and timing errors we saw "The Women."

Sometimes I grade a movie this way: Boring vs. Not Boring.

"The Women" isn't boring. To me, it was infuriating.

It's an all women cast - no men. It's about four rich, spoiled, self absorbed women played by four fine actors. ("What were they thinking?")

In the beginning I was hoping it would be a "Redemption" movie, my favorite genre. One of the very few positive reviews suggested that it was.

Meg Ryan learns that her rich husband is having an affair with the perfume salesgirl at Saks. She reacts like a spoiled 12 year old, including emotionally abandoning her real 12 year old daughter. Just prior to learning about the affair she learns that her mean father has fired her from her part time designing job because she refuses to design clothes for older women.

Hello? That's what employees do, i.e., what their bosses require! Meg ends up getting herself together at a spa, borrowing money from her mother to start her own clothing line and, in the end letting down her mother and best friend - who got the buyer from Saks to show up and offer to buy her clothing line - by going back home to, what seemed to me to be, the same life she had at the beginning of the movie. But she did get her hair done.

Annette Benning plays a woman who lives for a job that she hates but finally quits but not before betraying her best friend and her value system. ("Annette, what were you thinking when you accepted this role?")

Debra Messing lives in an apartment in New York City with an unseen husband and four small daughters, including a nursing baby. And she's pregnant. Why? Because she and her husband love daughters? No. Because they're trying one more time for a boy. Toward the movie's climax Debra, her feet in stirrups, between her last two contractions before giving birth, tells Meg to give her cheating husband another chance because she, too, had an affair and her husband forgave her. What a multitasker! How did she have the time between the pregnancies?

Jada Pinkett Smith is a lesbian writer who lives an expensive life style after having published only one book. (I'd love to know how that works.) And she dates a really mean model who flunked her anger management class.

She also tries to get her friends, including pregnant Debra, to switch to girls thereby giving our gay bashing friends proof that the gays are trying to recruit us.

OK, what's really bothering me? We're in this terrible economy. People are suffering. Most of the people I hang out with are concerned about others who are worse off and trying to do something to make a difference.

The women in "The Women" are concerned about themselves.


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Doing Dishes

I am continually downsizing. The trunk of my car is jammed full of stuff to give away.

I'm thinking about giving away my china and some of my stemware. Beautiful dishes have to be washed by hand. I don't get that.

I have a setting for 12 of "old lady" dishes. It's English bone china with blue and lavender flowers etched on the rims. I'd love to trade it for a smaller set of plain white dishes that I can throw in the dishwasher.

I just had lunch at a rotisserie restaurant with a new friend. Great company and a good meal. My portion of the bill was $5.29. Why would I cook and wash dishes?


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Farmer Cess

I had just enough of farm living when I was a child to know that I wanted nothing whatsoever to do with it ever again.

I appreciate farmers. I'm not one.

But some friends have banded together for a little community farming project and I agreed to be a tiny part of it. I've been to the garden twice. I'm thrilled with the okra. It's ripe and ready for picking. I've never seen okra on the vine before.

On Wednesday when I saw my friend and fellow farmer she shared five stalks of okra with me that she'd stopped to pick on the way to our meeting.

What do you do with five stalks of okra?

Last night I cut them up, fried up the little bite size pieces in some Smart Balance Omega oil, added salt and drained them on a paper towel.

Then I sat on the couch, watched CNN with the crazy Washington stuff going on and snacked on my fried okra and iced tea.

It was yummy - and a very satisfying feeling having seen the okra go all the way from the vine to my mouth.


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Attitude is Everything

Yesterday I met with my Power Rangers. Even though, as a group and as individuals, we're positive, giving, smart and powerful, we started fussing a bit about our own personal portfolios. After all, we're older women.

But then one of us read something that immediately brought us back into proper focus. We ended up having a loving, uplifting, outgoing conservation.

I've had a good bit of response from my posting of a couple of days ago, "H-E-Double Toothpicks." My take on it is that people are scared and feeling negative about our country and our world.

As a person said to me yesterday, "I know what hell is like, I'm there." But when we got to talking, things are not so bad for him. He's projecting some bad stuff in the future.

Following is a little story about hell. It's partly from C. S. Lewis and partly from M. Scott Peck. I'm telling it from memory so my apologies to Clive and Scott.

A young man was in heaven. There were occasional bus tours to hell. He decided to go this one time because his uncle was in hell and he wanted to say hi to him.

After they arrived he and his totally miserable uncle had a little visit. When it was time to board the bus to return to heaven the young man said,

"Uncle, why don't you come back to heaven with me?"

The uncle was unsure. He said, "Let me ask you some questions."

"Back on earth I always had my personal staff to wait on me. They did what I told them to do. Will I have a staff in heaven?"

The nephew said, "Well, it doesn't work that way. You won't need a staff."

"You know I was a professor and I had tenure. Will I have tenure in heaven?"

The nephew thought for a minute and said, "Again, it doesn't really work that way. Everybody has tenure."

This bothered the uncle.

They had some more conversation but when it was time for the bus to leave for heaven the uncle decided not to get on.

He chose to stay in hell.



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Who Will Get Your Stuff?

We think that our kids want our money when we're gone. While that's probably true for many of us, the experts tell us that it's the little, sentimental things that middle aged kids fight over.

It's that rotary egg beater that your grandma gave you that is likely to cause a family war.

I had a reminder today of how true this is when I read a very sweet but gutsy blog posting from a family member.

So this afternoon I've been pondering (again) about how to label my little - seemingly meaningless but very meaningful to me - heirlooms.

Some experts tell us not to give them to our sons because they won't appreciate them or will hand them over the their wives.

Some experts tell us that - if one child is closer and gives us more attention - give that child the good stuff. (That will show the others a thing or two!)

I know exactly what I want to do. I want to split my meaningful things as evenly as humanly possible between all of my children.

I hope I leave enough money for them to throw a big party together with their spouses, children and (hopefully) grandchildren and roll their eyes about the crazy stuff I left them.


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H - E - Double Toothpicks

Do you believe in hell? If you worked on Wall Street this week I guess you might.

A few people have a clear idea of what hell is like - and they know who they'd like to send there. But most of us have only small clues, many of them from the Bible but more, I think, from folklore.

I just finished a very strange James Patterson novel called "You've Been Warned." It's about a young woman living in New York. Hard to make sense of what's happening to her - but in the end (sorry to spoil it for you) the reader learns that the woman is dead. This is Patterson's idea of hell.

Oddly, she has some pleasant experiences along with the rats, cockroaches, vomiting, etc.

I'm currently in a study group with several smart, open, people. In a week or so we'll discuss the concept of hell. I'm looking forward to the discussion. Especially the discussion of how the decision making process goes regarding who's in and who's out.

I'm sure I'll learn something.


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Mexican Standoff

Today I happened upon my Oldies in one of their favorite restaurants very close to their home. I was meeting a friend for a late lunch.

Mr. Oldie was late for a doctor's appointment. Despite the fact that he'd been there several times before, he was stressed. He didn't know how to get there. He was pouring over a map and a page of directions. I know he wanted me to help him.

I tried to assist him with the map. My friend arrived and tried as well but he wasn't getting it. So what did I do? I hugged my Oldies and urged my friend to head to our own table - leaving him (and Mrs. Oldie) obviously upset.

But here's the thing. He doesn't have to drive. He has a nurse on call. He has friends and family who are waiting in the wings to help. He has the resources to be lovingly cared for - and to be driven wherever they want to go. All he has to do is ask.

But he's not ready to say "uncle."

And, even though I love my Oldies, I'm not ready to play the game where I pretend he's in charge but I take care of them. I've already done that. I'm not their caretaker. I'm their friend.

And besides, the doctor's office was three blocks away (and I think she knows how to get there.)

I hope they made it.


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Let's Do Lunch

Yesterday six friends and I made our way downtown for our semi-annual time of serving lunch to the homeless.

Six of them lined up to serve. This may sound like an easy task but when you're trying to serve 300 to 400 people in an hour - it's a fun but pressure filled hour. As I've told you before, when the hour is over - it's over. And it's really sad to see guests still in line who aren't going to get fed.

So we worked fast!

Some people think the hardest job is pouring the soup. Pouring hot soup really fast can be scary. Others think the hardest job is serving drinks - because you're not behind the counter - you're out with the people.

I was chosen to serve drinks yesterday. I loved it. Lots more chances to have little interchanges with the guests. We're not supposed to grant special favors but when somebody wants you to fill their battered old plastic bottle with ice water it's hard to say no.

But then you get behind with the other 300 plus drinks.

All in all it was a joyful, extremely meaningful, humbling experience. The vast majority of the homeless people are kind and polite to us rookies. It's fun to be kind and polite back.

Afterwards the seven of us went to a restaurant and had salads. You might think that we ate better than the homeless. Not true! They had all kinds of breads and rolls, soup, veggies, rice and what looked like chicken and gravy.

But a worker there told us it was EMU and gravy. I guess it taste like chicken because nobody complained.


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The Butterfly Stole

Most Methodist ministers wear liturgical stoles over their robes. They're usually symbolic of the liturgical season.

Many years ago a friend made my husband several liturgical stoles. They're silk, hand sewn works of art. Our family's favorite is the butterfly stole. Butterflies are a symbol of new life.

Last week my tenth and newest and LAST grandchild was baptized in another city. I couldn't be there. But I mailed my daughter the butterfly stole.

She was hoping their new minister would wear it. I had my doubts. It's old and hand made, not a professional stole. Besides that, it took ten days to get there and it arrived only the night before the baptism date.

They belong to a huge, wealthy sophisticated, downtown church. After the ritual the minister carries the babies all the way down the long center aisle as a way for people to celebrate this "new life."

Despite the fact that my daughter can talk anybody into anything, I didn't believe he would wear the stole.

And he didn't.

At the end of the baptism ceremony he lifted our baby up before the congregation and carried her down the aisle, with her deceased grandfather's silk butterfly stole draped around HER!

The stole is a symbol of new life. She is a symbol of new life. Hers and ours.


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Don't Get Mad, Just Get Even

My friend, Bob, told the following story this morning. Maybe you heard it.

A husband and wife are having lots of arguments. He's upset all the time. She's cool. He asks her how she stays so calm. She answers:

"When I feel upset with you I clean the toilet."

"How does that help?"

"I clean it with your toothbrush."

We've heard other stories like that, like waiters spitting in our soup, or - have you seen the episode of "Two and a Half Men" where, before Charlie puts his brother Alan's burger on the grill, he smashes it under his armpit?

I guess that kind of thing can be momentarily placating but just think about how totally miserable we have to be to get to that place.

"Two and a Half Men" is a fairly raw sit-com but the writers do a good job of showing us how Charlie and Alan are two broken, sad, wounded human beings.

Just like the rest of us are at times.

But maybe doing childish, destructive things that diminish us isn't the answer.

I used to know somebody who literally had (like Richard Nixon) an enemies list. I decided then that I never wanted an enemies list. I didn't want even one name on a list.

That doesn't mean I haven't ever wanted to use a certain person's toothbrush to scrub the toilet.

But there are better ways to deal with people who hurt me. I'm happy that my friend, Bob, reminded me today of what some of them are.


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What's This About?

Have you seen the videos featuring Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfield? I absolutely love them. My guess is that they're Microsoft ads - or something else that Bill Gates is up to - but they are good - and so funny!

When I see them, especially the one where they're staying with the big family in the little house, I keep wishing that our presidential candidates would do this. It would help both them and us if they spent a couple of weeks actually living with us.

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Street Eats

In our church we have available big plastic bags filled with non perishable healthy (instant) snacks. We're encouraged to put a bag or two in our cars for when we see people (especially street people) who look like they need something to eat. They're called "Street Eats."

My Power Rangers (small group of close, wise, woman friends who are "empowered" in ways you can't imagine) and I have shared stories about how we've occasionally given away Street Eat bags and how clumsy and uncomfortable we've been about it. The scarest part is knowing you might be rejected.

There's a guy who routinely stands off the interstate holding up a sign that says "Will Work for Food." I stopped and gave him a bag but it wasn't the warm fuzzy interchange I had envisioned.

But I guess the point of the Street Eats is not especially for us to feel good.

A couple of days ago one of my P.R.'s told us her latest "Street Eat" story. She saw a woman on the street who was obviously not a street person. But she was out in the hot sun working with 3 little unhappy, crying children.

My friend saw her, drove by, thought about it, turned around, parked her car, got out the "Street Eats," walked over and offered them to the woman saying, "Could you use some snacks for the kids?"

The woman declined saying she HAD snacks for her kids.

I was almost in tears when my friend told this story. Especially when she finished by saying "I guess that's not even what the Street Eats are for."

I disagree, I think that's exactly what they're for.


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Start by Saying Hello

I used to lead small groups. I used to teach others how to lead small groups. It's not rocket science.

I did it in all kinds of business situations, in museums, at the Space Center, in churches.

It's interesting that Randy Pausch, who wrote "The Last Lecture" - and was a computer scientist - also thought that leading small groups was important - even though some of his students found his tips to be beneath them.

But here's one of the reasons it's so important - if it's done right:

The truth emerges from the group - not the leader.

So how do we get the group comfortable enough to do this? Here are Randy's points. I like them, of course, because it's what I did as well.

- Meet People Properly: I'm amazed at how many meetings I (still) attend where people don't get introduced.

- Find Things You Have in Common: I usually try to make this happen by initially asking each person in the group a very simple, easy to answer, question that relates to what we're about.

- Try For Optimal Meeting Conditions: Have people face each other. Make sure the temperature is right, give them something to eat or drink. Make them comfortable.

- Let Everyone Talk: I find the best way to get that accomplished is the simple question at the beginning. It primes the pump. I've attended many small groups (less that a dozen people) where half the people never spoke.

- Praise Each Other: This starts with the leader genuinely praising the ideas of others.

- Phrase Alternatives as Questions: Instead of "I think "A," try "What do you think of "A?"

Although I'm basically kind of a shy person (honestly) I find that when I'm part of a small group where I feel safe and valued, especially by the leader, it's sometimes hard to shut me up.


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It's Bigger Than the Both of Us

OK, I miss my boyfriend. I came home to Florida early - mostly for family reasons and he's staying up North a little longer - for family reasons.

So it's a good thing.

Last night I watched "Casablanca" on PBS. It's probably the fourth time I've seen it all the way through. I loved every minute - every line. The first time, Humphrey Bogart's character, "Rick," seemed cynical and self serving. But on later viewings I realized that he has a self sacrificing moral compass all the way through.

The movie is a reminder that "putting others first" is difficult in this scary world but that's a choice all of us get the opportunity to make from time to time.

So the next time I talk to my Boyfriend I'm going to say:

I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world...Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.



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The Last Lecture

I belong to the coolest adult Sunday school class ever. We pretty much take turns teaching it. Last Sunday my friend led a discussion on "The Last Lecture." I was so moved that I went straight to Barnes & Noble and bought the book.

As many of you know, Randy Pausch, a professor at Carnegie Mellon, wrote this book. Carnegie Mellon asks a professor each year to give "The Last Lecture." Between the time Randy was invited to give the lecture and he actually gave it, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given only a few months to live.

Randy, a seriously handsome, super achieving, computer science professor with a beautiful wife and three small children, became an overnight sensation.

The book is, as you can imagine, extremely moving. I'll leave it to you to read it or just Google "Randy Pausch" if you want to know more. But I want to share one portion.

Randy was a nerdy "Star Trek" fan as a child and as an adult. I quote:

For ambitious young boys with a scientific bent, there could be no greater role model than James T. Kirk.

Mr. Spock was the smart one, Dr. McCoy had the medical knowledge, Scotty was the engineer - so what was Kirk's skill set? Leadership. He set the vision, the tone.

In the movie "The Wrath of Khan" we learned that Captain Kirk did not believe in the "no-win scenario."

A few years ago Randy Pausch met with William Shatner (who portrayed his idol, Captain Kirk) because Shatner was co-writing a book about how Star Trek foreshadowed today's technological advancements.

This year, after Shatner learned of Randy's diagnosis, he sent him a photo of himself as Kirk. On it he wrote. "I don't believe in the no-win scenario."

I don't either.

Randy Pausch died in July.


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Health Care

I hope that, after the convention wraps up tonight, all of the candidates will get back to dealing with some real issues - like health care.

I talked with a woman this morning who told me she couldn't afford to take her son to the doctor.

My brother, sister and I grew up with no health care. None. We had vaccinations from the health department so that we could start school. Otherwise, for the most part, we toughed out our childhood illnesses.

The results: After going through several artificial heart valves, my sister died way too young. My brother is deaf and has serious lung issues. When I was 30 years old I had life saving surgery to repair my inner ear. All of this misery resulted from untreated strep infections when we were children. Yes, this was after the discovery of antibiotics.

American children still go through a great deal of unnecessary suffering. Maybe not your children or my children - but many children. And we're all poorer for it.

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Wine Snobs

Some of my kids are wine snobs. That is to say they know and appreciate good wines. They've studied, have taken gourmet/wine tasting tours to Napa and Sonoma valleys and have hosted their own wine tasting parties.

I, on the other hand, like to have a glass of white wine in the evening. That's about as discriminating as I get. I've been drinking wine for about eight years. (Not constantly, just a glass or so some evenings.) Prior to that I was a teetotaler for my entire life.

On Labor Day I went with a friend (a former Baptist minister but she, too, likes a glass of wine occasionally) to see the Indy movie "Bottle Shock" staring Alan Rickman and Bill Pullman. I love Bill Pullman. He played the dad in this movie but he was still as sweet and sexy as all get out.

"Bottle Shock" is about the historic 1976 French wine competition that put California wines on the map because a California winery, Chateau Montelena, won the blind taste test.

Prior to that, French wines were IT! Afterwards, not only were American wines prized for the first time but wines from other countries became acceptable (even though they were the same wines they had always been producing.)

I'll never be a wine connoisseur, i.e., snob, but the movie was interesting, beautifully filmed, and taught me some things about wines as well as reminding me of how important it is for people to pursue their passion.

It was worth the price of the movie ticket to see Alan Rickman (who always plays a snob) struggle with eating a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken in his rental car. Not to mention having to drink fine Napa Valley wine from a jelly glass.


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Old Movie Theaters

When I was a kid growing up in Indianapolis I saw lots of movies, usually in the two neighborhood theaters that were within walking distance (about two miles either way.) But, occasionally we climbed on the trolley and went to one of the five downtown theaters. What a treat. They were architectural marvels - as grand as opera houses.

I distinctly remember my older sister taking me downtown to see the movie Three Little Words staring Fred Astaire, Red Skelton, Vera-Ellen (the world's smallest waist) and Arlene Dahl. It was 1950, when the downtown theaters were in their heyday. I could not have been any more impressed if I'd been in Buckingham Palace.

This month's Indianapolis Monthly magazine features one of these theaters. The Indiana is now a repertory theatre but it started out in 1927 as one of the great downtown movie theaters - with an upstairs ballroom for dancing. The building was designed by Preston Rubush and Edgar Hunter. They also designed the Circle Theater. The last movie I saw at the Circle was Psycho. I remember being scared to death.

The Indiana has retained the same facade with its urn of pomgranates at its crown and medallions of King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain, among other fancy things - including a working sundial.

If you're ever in Indianapolis, first drive around the Circle, then take a look at the Indiana Theatre.


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For Better or For Worse

Most of you know that I read every comic on the comic page of the paper most every day. My paper has only one page of comics but it's in color. I prefer other big city papers that have more comics in black and white.

Some comics are so clever and have such insight into human nature that they give me more life lessons than a lot of the other stuff I read every day. Comics like "Get Fuzzy," and "Pearls Before Swine" are cutting edge.

Older comics like "Zits," "Sally Forth" and "Doonesbury" give us a daily look into real life - especially family life.

One of my very favorite comics came to an end yesterday. For 29 years "For Better or For Worse" has given us a unique insight into real family life - in real time. We've lived through three generations of life with the Pattersons. We've seen the death of loved ones, (we learned to love them as well) births, broken love affairs, homosexuality, job loss, job triumphs, bad landlords,teen angst and much, much more. Through it all Ellie and John Patterson remained the strong, steady rock that only a solid marriage can create.

Yesterday the creator of "For Better or For Worse," Lynn Johnson, gave us the unusual gift of wrapping up the lives of each of the main characters. Very, very moving.

And here's the best news! The strip started all over again this morning. So, apparently, it's ours to enjoy again for the next 29 years.


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