Hurting, Helping or Empowering?

This morning in Forum we continued our off again/on again discussion of Toxic Charity, a relatively new book by Robert Lupton that is causing some dis-ease in religious and other mission type groups.

I try really hard not to go on a rant in this blog but I have super strong feelings about this subject.  So here goes!

When we do for those in need what they have the capacity to do for themselves, we disempower them.

Quotes like the above from Mr. Lupton are not easy to swallow.  But the concept isn't new.  Our country has been made great in many ways through groups of disenfranchised folks who've somehow been empowered.   One of the problems is that those of us who have the power don't want to share it.

And I think this is equally true, not just in helping the poor, but in raising our kids.  Do we want to empower them - or just get them to shut up and be grateful?

Never do for the poor what they have (or could have) the capacity to do for themselves. 

This is equally true for a two year old who is struggling to put on his socks.

Giving to those in need what they could be gaining from their own initiative may well be the kindest way to destroy people.

If I have a 30 year old who's still living at home and I'm feeding him while he plays video games, maybe it will make him look at me as a cool parent - but am I really?

Developing the dependency-free zone is the real challenge.

On my daughers' 16th birthday her dad took her to get her driver's license.  On the way she had a flat tire.  He sat on the curb and encouraged her while she changed it.  She wasn't one bit happy about it at the time.  But that was over 20 years ago and she still remembers it as an empowering experience.

Personal involvement offers the best way to determine if our charitable investments are being put to good use. 

It's not about how much I do.  It's about why I do it and what the results are.  Hopefully,  they are ongoing, loving relationships - and empowerment.


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Books That Make Me Crazy

A couple of days ago I took the test of Facebook that shows what you know about books.  I scored higher that 84 per cent of the people who've taken the test which makes me a "Booketarian."  Not surprising because  I've been a life long reader.  Still am.  But I've heard from a few family members and friends who are also "Booketarians" and that doesn't surprise me either.

Some books - lots of them even - I don't particularly like.  Many of them are excellent,  I just don't care for the style or content.  That's OK.

But, occasionally, I read a book that I dislike so much that it seriously makes me crazy.   And sometimes I can't even articulate why.  I just want to start screaming.

Following is a list of four.  All from different decades, all extremely popular, all made into popular movies.

All made me crazy!

1.  Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach

This book was about a seagull (that's right, a seagull) learning about life and flight.  Here's a quote:  He was not bone and feather but a perfect idea of freedom and flight limited by nothing at all. 

I can just picture a guy quoting this as he jumps off a bridge.

2.  Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller

Right off the bat I felt tricked because the book insinuates it's a true story.  It's not.

It's about a bored middle aged farm wife and a photographer from the National Geographic (total strangers, by the way) having a four day affair.  Then they part and never see each other again.  This couple was played in the movie by Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep.

I kept thinking that they would have to come up for air sometime to, you know, do some laundry or wash some dishes.  But no.  I guess I was overthinking  because here's one of the quotes:   Analysis destroys wholes...  If you look at their pieces they go away. 

The only good thing for me was that I got a lot of enjoyment out of making fun of the word "Sinewy" for a year or so.

3.  50 Shades of Grey (Trilogy) by E. L. James

In truth, I read only the first half of the first book.  That made me sufficiently crazy.  You would think it was the sex that did it.  But no.  It's the objectifying and torturing the woman.  And the message that "This is what we want  This is what we need."

The quote:  I'd like to bite that lip.

4.  Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.

Not one good person in the entire cast of characters.  The quote:  There's something distrubing about recalling a warm memory and feeling utterly cold.

The movie, coming out soon,  stars Ben Affleck.


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My Right to Bare Arms

Toward the end of May I started doing water aerobics with my older lady friends (and one very secure in his masculinity man) in our condo pool.  Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday you can find us bobbing in the water.

Remember Molly Shannon on Saturday Night Live when she did her "older lady" routine saying:

I can kick and I can stretch and I'm 50!  50 Years Old!

My arm

It's fun but hard work.  I'm really proud of these folks.  We do a complete workout.  Aside from my week at the beach, I haven't missed a day.  Consequently I'm brown as a berry and, as I've told you before, I have fabulous arms.

This is significant because, as you know, I am 75 years old!  

Yesterday in church a couple of people complimented me on my short sleeve blouse.  They didn't say so but I think they were admiring my triceps. I have a friend, a real tough looking guy,  who trains boxers. We were talking and I flexed my arm for him and told him I'm ready for training.  Quick as a wink he said:

What do you want to box?  Apples or bananas?



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Droopy Drawers

Young black men.  Scary.

Our nation has had another difficult week what with the Ferguson, Missouri events which have caused us Floridians to relive the Travon Marin tragedy.  Nationwide, there has been some good discussion about how to address our racial divide in more positive and creative ways and, perhaps, how police departments might modify their pursuit of macho, intimidating images.

White men of all ages.
Funny.

For instance, my beloved little village, Winter Park, Florida, has a tank.  I know this because I see it from time to time in the annual Christmas parade.

 Florida legislators haven't done much to address our racial problems but they've made great advances in Florida's "Droopy Drawers" law.  By the way, this law is being sponsored by Gary Siplin and Hazell Rogers, both black democrats.

While droopy pants may seem like a trivial and harmless issue, when they're worn by young black men, it scares us.  So something must be done.

On the other hand, when they're worn by white guys, it's funny.

Norge Repairman Dan Aykroyd
on SNL.  Very funny.  

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God and I Are Not Procrastinators

I've always liked to do things in an orderly way.  Now that my time is essentially my own I do just that.  I'm a planner.  I like to do it the easy way, if possible.

I did scores of planning seminars when I was a consultant and, while I know some folks do their best work just before a deadline, they still need a little control over their day to day lives in order to function over the long haul.

However, I'm not spontaneous and I don't like surprises.  

Surprise!  We're taking you on a weekend cruise.  Right now.  No time to shave your legs or find your favorite swimsuit.  Don't worry about the cost.  You'll get the bill next month!

No more of that in my life!  But you already knew this about me.  But what do you think about the way God works?

The New Yorker recently ran this cartoon by  Roz Chast, one of my very favorite cartoonists.  I'm sure she doesn't really think God operates this way.  She wants to make us laugh and make us think. 

Sometimes, with all the crazy stuff happening around the world and around us personally, we might think God's kind of chaotic.  But, no. The creation story is about order.   God wasn't stressed on the seventh day.   He thought what he'd done was good.

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JB's Fish Camp

JB's Fish Camp at New Smyrna Beach is a slice of old Florida.  It's grown from being a shack in the 70s where oysters, clams and crabs where served from coolers and occasionally stolen overnight by raccoons to a much larger shack that has air conditioning.

But you can still sit out on the dock and look for manatees and porpoises or rent a paddle boat and go on an adventure.   I've been going to JB's for decades but it's still fun and still has about the yummiest seafood I've ever tasted.  All served from plastic trays placed on top of butcher paper.

We've been there twice this week.  The first time I had their famous spiced shrimp - served either hot or cold - in the shell.  On my second visit I had fried oysters.  When I was there a couple of years ago I had raw oysters in the shell served with a pair of gloves and a sharp knife.

If you're in this part of Florida, go to JB's.  It's the real deal.

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The Beach

Dave and I are at the beach.  As you know, I'm a fairly buttoned down person.  In real life I'm made up and clothed from head to toe. Every day.

Dave at the beach. 

Cess at the beach. 

But the beach is different.  By the second day I'm without clothes or make up or anything else other than my swimsuit.  This morning I stepped on the beach with nothing but the suit.  No towel, no chair, no big bag full of beach stuff.  Dave, a friend and I walked a mile or so.  Then swam in the ocean.  Then showered and swam in the pool.  For hours.   

This is pretty much my daily routine.

Swim in the ocean. 

Swim in the pool.

Repeat. 

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Boyhood

I'm sure you've heard about this movie written and directed by Richard Linklater.

(Special note to readers over 65.  Your mind has just flashed to Art Linkletter and you're wondering if he's dead or alive.  He's dead.  He died in 2010 at the age of 98.)

We saw Boyhood yesterday at our little gem of an art theater, the Enzian.

We got to sit in my favorite Enzian seat, the couch on the main floor.  Not the angled ones but one of two that look straight on. 

Boyhood has received fantastic ratings from just about every reviewer including Rotten Tomatoes which has given it an unprecedented rating of 99.   The big deal about the film is that it was filmed over a span of twelve years depicting a fictional story about a boy named Mason and staring a boy named Ellar Coltrane playing Mason.  Both Mason and Ellar age from 6 to 18 over the twelve year period.

But, since the filming was actually done over a twelve year period, all of the actors age.  Patricia Arquette who plays the mom goes from being a sexy, thin blond with long hair to a matronly looking teacher with short hair.  The dad, played by Ethan Hawke, looks better at then end.  (The young Ethan Hawke always looked a little too edgy for me.) The sister, played by Richard Linklater's real daughter, Lorelei Linklater, goes from being a bratty/smart little girl to a calmed down, attractive young adult.

Ellar/Mason all grown up

The big thing for me was that Ellar Coltrane (the boy) looks so much like Scarlett Johansson that I thought he might grow up to be her.  But he didn't. 

Boyhood is a brilliant, innovative film about a boy who has kind of a humdrum but sometimes miserable, sometimes terrifying life.  Much like the way some of us grew up.  One of the best things about the movie is that it makes us ask ourselves some questions.

Is Mason's life unusual or is this how most of America lives these days?

What does this teach me about my past and future?

Warning:  Boyhood is almost three hours long.  Way past my two hour limit.  But I stuck it out.  After all, I was sitting on my favorite couch at the Enzian.


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Incompetence and Incapacity Are Not The Same Thing

Jim McWhinnie continues to share his Alzheimer's journal with us.  Jim is a deeply spiritual, retired United Methodist minister.  Each time I read one of his journal entries I think about myself as well as Jim.  Here is a portion of one that particularly moved me.

I am noticing ... that I am having more frequent periods of confusion. Nothing all that dramatic ... a befuddlement, you might say... an awkward stumbling through a matter that I usually handle without much thought. Trying to buckle a seat belt, trying to work the television remote, getting the steps in brewing the morning coffee out of order ... little things that can get caught up in a rather frightening few moments of frustration.

Yes, I can relate.  When I can't remember an old friends' name or can't fix my computer issues or I can't fix my friends' problem - I feel a little incompetent - and maybe a little insecure because, as you know, I used to like to present myself as "The Strongest Woman in the World."  Jim then voices my fears. 

 I think for me ... somewhere along the way I took to believing that incompetency exposes one's weakness and thus lessens one's worth. I know that is not true in the eyes of God ... but it is caught up in my inner workings. And to totally jumble the logic ... I probably have not accepted the truth that incompetence and incapacity are not the same thing.

So Jim is reminding me to celebrate every day and to thank God for everything and every person around me.  And to understand that how I perceive my life is pretty much the whole ball game.  And speaking of ball games, Jim ends with this.



I enjoyed the ball game yesterday ...though I don't remember much about the game itself ... but the sunshine on my face felt soooo good ... and the hot dog with mustard and relish was ... delectably exquisite!



So, thank you Jim McWhinnie, for frequently reminding me that my life, at this time, is delectably exquisite!

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WHAT?

I've spent my entire life compensating for hearing loss.

But the time has come for help because, unlike Maxine in this cartoon, I want to listen to you.

But, oh man, it's such a complicated journey, including a steep learning curve, to discover what's best.  And it's pricey.

One of the biggest reasons for hearing aids as we get older is that, when we can't hear, we tend to choose isolation.  This can lead to depression and cognitive issues.

Long story short.  I have my hearing aids!  Also, long story short, I love my hearing aids!

In truth I have only one but it looks like I have two.  Since I have no hearing - zero hearing - in my left ear, there's a little microphone in there picking up the sound coming into my right ear hearing aid - so I have stereo hearing for the first time since childhood.

Here are some tips:

• Hearing aids are expensive so do your homework.  You can find some for a few hundred dollars but if they don't work well you won't use them so the money is wasted.  The good news is, according to my audiologist, more and more insurance companies are covering the cost.  So check out your insurance.

• Once you get your hearing tested by an audiologist, be sure to get a copy of the test before leaving the office.  Then shop around for hearing aids.  

• Check out different styles.  My aids are almost invisible.  Even if you see them, you might just think I'm an FBI agent - but I doubt it.

So now, when you see me in a restaurant, be careful.  Because I'm probably ease dropping on your conversation.


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Trader Joe's Wine

Trader Joe's finally arrived in Winter Park, Florida, amongst great fanfare, of course.  We stayed away for three weeks due to traffic jams in the parking lot and in the store.  But last week we were finally ready to buy some wine.

As every person in the world knows, Trader Joe's is famous for it's wine.  It's cheap and good.

Before I tell you about my Trader Joe's experience I need to remind you about my drinking habits.  I have one glass of white wine every evening.  I plan to do this for the rest of my life or until somebody makes me stop.

Trader's Joe's famous Charles Shaw wine "Three Buck Chuck" was plentiful.  I bought three bottles of pinot grigio and two chardonnays.

Only after I drank a glass of the pinot I had a very bad night, including nightmares bordering on hallucinations.  It was awful.  But just to be sure it was the wine, I had another glass the next night.  When I woke up in the middle of the night scared out of my wits, I got on the computer to see if I was going to die - or go crazy.

A lot of inexpensive wines are from the dregs (literally the bottom of the barrel) and have tannins and sulfites that affect some people.  Also, I'd read that folks who don't sweat much (like me) have a hard time getting rid of toxins.  Yikes.

I just happened to have a regular appointment with my dermatologist the next day so I told him the story above and asked for his advice.

His advice follows;  Don't buy any more three dollar wine.

But there's a wonderful ending to this story.  I tried the Chardonnay.  I like it.  It doesn't make me sick but it does knock me out.  One glass and I'm off to sleep.

That's a good thing.  So thanks, Trader Joe's.


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