A while back a young woman asked me if I'd ever heard of a book called "The Total Woman." Yes, I told her, I had heard of it and it was quite popular when it came out in the 70s. I didn't say much more because I didn't know where she was coming from and didn't want to offend her.
"The Total Woman" was written in 1974 by Marabel Morgan and was an immediate best seller. It was written, in large part, in response to the feminist movement that was in full swing at the time. It wasn't my cup of tea but it obviously struck a cord for millions of women.
Generally speaking, the book advocated women staying home and living exclusively for their husbands and children. Some examples were to always prepare dinner right after breakfast, including setting the table. Always embrace your husband's interests. If he goes fishing, you go fishing, etc.
And greet your husband at the door every evening wearing a different sexual fantasy type outfit.
In the early 90s I was asked to speak to a group of several thousand women in South Florida. After arriving at the event I learned that the other speaker was the daughter-in-law of Marabel Morgan.
My poetry book was being sold at the gathering and in it was a poem poking fun at Marabel's book. About a hundred copies of my book were sitting along side thousands of copies of "The Total Woman." Yikes! I didn't know if I should to 'fess up to the other speaker or what. I decided to do nothing, but I was a little on edge all day.
When the series ended I had sold a bunch of books but, fortunately, nobody ever mentioned the poem to me.
Here it is:
THE TOTAL ROBOT
For two weeks
I agreed with everything you said,
And we both developed ulcers.
I told you the awful speech you made
Was good.
And you said,
"Why did you betray me?"
I stopped wearing pants
And started wearing frilly dresses
And ribbons in my hair.
And you took me to Caravel's for lunch.
I was ready to make love
Every night for two weeks,
And the sixth night
You slept in the car.
I forced Cathy to give away her expensive
Overalls,
And you said,
"Why does my daughter hate me?"
I met you at the door
Wearing nothing but my sexy apron,
And you brought home
Three Haitian refugees and a
Catholic Priest.
I baked you a big apple pie
Every night for a week,
And you said,
"Why aren't you working on your article?"
(Just before you had the gall bladder attack.)
I told the Crisis Center
I couldn't counsel their 12 year old
Victim
Because I had to get my hair done.
And you were ashamed of me.
I said, "Yes, let's"
To everything you suggested.
And our friends had to bail us out of jail.
I dressed all of the children in pink
And lined them up to await your return.
But you never did.
***
