Writing My Way to an Authentic Life

Yesterday I attended a half day class taught by a good friend. He and I have teamed up from time to time but he taught this class with another writer.

The title was Writing Your Way to an Authentic Life.

As any writer will tell you, the absolutely worst thing about writing is - not being able to do it. "Writer's Block" is awful.

But for some reason my friend knows how to drag the words out of me. Not only that, but they're real.

He's one of the most open, feeling people I know. I guess it rubs off.

Here are a couple of things I scribbled down yesterday.

The couple of years prior to (my Real Husband's) death was so hard! Wondering everyday how long I could go on. But I did!

His death during hurricanes. Everybody in Florida was suffering.

Why did I renew my passport two weeks after he died? I had no trip planned.

(Boyfriend) showing up out of the blue.

I want my relationships with my family to be about that. Relationships! That's all I have to offer them. That's all they have to offer me.

I want to spend lots of time talking and listening to other people. I like hearing other people's stories. Sometimes hard to draw them out because people want to share their junk rather than the good stuff.

Reading back over the above and pages of other notes from yesterday I know what I want in the future. And I know I want to write about it.

Facts and Feelings

I met a wealthy friend on the street today who was all doom and gloom about our current fiscal situation. It was esentially the We're All Gonna Die! speech.

The facts are that the housing market is (temporarily) going down the tubes. My city was just listed as the #1 over priced housing market in the country. Our home prices are predicted to drop another 35%.

So come on down if you want a bargain.

The DOW is currently in free fall.

Oil prices are out of sight and gas is golden.

OK, first, why would we go into a depression every time the DOW drops? It's always come back up. The DOW is bipolar. It shoots up and down with the slightest provocation.

Those of us who can sit tight are fine. But I have great feeling for:

• People who have to sell a house through no fault of their own.
• People who have to retire when the market's down.
• Workers with long commutes, truckers, and other who have to fill up every day.
• Poor people. They always suffer the most when times are tough.

I am not anything close to rich. But some of the time I feel rich compared to people I know who have a lot more money than I do and are terrified of losing a little of it.

Have a good day!

Goodbye Boyfriend

I took him to the airport yesterday. Now he's 1,700 miles away in his own home. Tonight he'll celebrate his birthday with old friends.

We celebrated two nights ago with my friends - whom he really likes - but it's not the same.

Tonight he'll be with people he's known for 45 years. Friends who've shared his life. Forty years ago my Boyfriend designed a house for one of the couples. They're still in it.

Why didn't I go with him? I have things to do here. A new baby is coming. The best season of the year is coming.

He and I will both attend traditional parties that we've attended for years. But not with each other.

I have obligations that I take seriously. So does he.

We'll be together again in a few weeks. Until then we'll live our separate lives.

But it's not easy. I have no one to play cribbage with.

Another Review

I like movies. But I don't care for light comedies, car chases, animation or any movie focusing on sports. I don't care for long movies or plays. In my opinion, if the movie is over an hour and a half, the director needs to get over himself.

I want strong dialogue and strong, realistic stories.

So last night I was looking forward to seeing "American Gangster." Despite the fact that it's 2 hours and 38 minutes long!!!

This movie, staring two academy award winning actors, Denzel Washington (bad guy) and Russell Crowe (good guy) has received excellent ratings.

Cuba Gooding, Jr. had a very small roll. My Boyfriend and I disagreed about the direction in which his career is heading.

Although it was extremely painful to watch, "American Gangster" did a good job of portraying the horrendous drug problems in this country during the time of the Viet Nam war - propelled by the corruption of police forces and the inability of our armed forces in keeping the traffic flow in check.

I did not find this movie entertaining.

But my main beef is the casting of Denzel Washington - and the subsequent way he was depicted. The public sees him as strong, moral, good and handsome.

Better casting would have been for he and Russel Crowe to trade rolls but that probably wouldn't have worked since it's the true story of an African American gangster.

In the first scene we see Densel setting somebody on fire. His character was responsible for the suffering and deaths of THOUSANDS of people.

Yet he remained attractive. And at the end even heroic. This did not make sense to me.

As we were leaving the theater I said to my Boyfriend, it must be about midnight. But it was only 8:30.

Morbid Conversation

When my Boyfriend and I were walking our two miles this morning we somehow got on the subject of how it will affect us when we get old and all of our friends die.

By the way, that has not started happening to either of us yet!

I reminded him that when my Real Husband was going to a dialysis clinic every other day for 8 years, a third of the patients died each year.

How would it be if you were a high school student and a third of your classmates died each year?

Then my Boyfriend and I discussed resiliency and how you'd think that teenagers would have greater resiliency than 90 year olds - but it doesn't work that way.

Virtually all of our young men and women returning from Iraq are suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome and much of it is due to seeing their friends suffer and die.

My take on it is that part of our maturing process helps us to deal with this kind of loss. It's a natural part of life.

There's nothing "natural" about young people dying.

An Open Forum

I love my Sunday school class. 35 people were there yesterday. (Yes, I always count.)

We're a smart group. Some people call us "Eggheads." Some people have felt intimidated when asked to lead us. But the truth is, it's a very easy class to lead.

We usually have a combination of new and old members. Everyone is encouraged to speak. All views are honored. And, believe me, different views are expressed.

There is a man whom I highly respect who thinks that global warming is a hoax!

What?

The truth is that this class is easy to lead because smart people in a safe environment will open up.

It's always exciting when the truth emerges from the group.

I led the class for the month of October on the theme "Transitions." I learned a lot.

This month my close friend and favorite class leader (and that's saying a lot because we've got the best) is doing a series on:

"How Shall I Live, Knowing I Will Die?"

He's the same guy who had the heart attack a while back - but he's doing great now.

Yesterday he gave all thirty-five of us 3 x 5 cards and asked that we jot down as quickly as possible answers to the question "Who Am I?" Following are my answers:

WHO AM I?

• Mother


• Good friend


• Spiritual


• Writer


• (Boyfriend's) Soul Mate


• Grandmother


• Communicator


• Person who needs intellectual stimulation


• Lonely little girl


• Honest


• Open


• Strong


• Fragile

I was surprised at what I left out. Maybe the above really is what's most important to me.

A Good Christmas Gift

I'm a low tech person. But not as low tech as some. While I'm pretty much attached to my computer I would never dream of standing in line for the latest "whatever."

My Boyfriend has an extremely low tech friend. She's super smart, unmarried, no children and maybe a bit eccentric. She's newly retired after a brilliant career in which she successfully dodged computers and other technological wonders.

She's part of a large extended family so, like many families, they draw names for Christmas gifts. $250 is the ceiling.

A while back she drew her nephew's name. He wanted a Wii. She had no idea what that was. She called Target and a nice woman explained that they were not yet on the market and when they debuted the supply would be limited. Then the woman told her how to get one.

So, my Boyfriend's friend, on the appointed day, drove to Target at 4:00 A.M. in a pitch dark driving snow storm. She got out of her car, stood outside the door - and waited.

Soon, a young man in a dark hooded jacket tapped her on the shoulder.

No he didn't mug her. He gently explained that it wasn't necessary to line up just yet. She could wait an hour.

Back in the car she was wet and freezing so after the heater got going and warmed her up she fell fast asleep. A little after 5:00 A.M. there was a loud rapping on her window. After lowing it bit, another dark, shadowy young man told her it was time.

She spent the next several hours in line with young men at least 45 years her junior. One of them brought her a lawn chair, another brought her a blanket.

At one point a person emerged from Target with a bag of 200 numbers. She got number 7. Of course when the store finally opened the limited number of Wiis sold out in minutes.

Why did my boyfriend's friend do it? She did it for love. I hope her nephew appreciated it.

Why were the young men in line so kind? I don't know, but they were.