Inside Job

Lately I've been surrounded by personality testing opportunities.  Forum just finished up two sessions on Enneaogram testing.  I took the test but wasn't sure about my results because I was ambivalent about many of my answers.  I came out a (weak) number one.  It's titled perfectionist.  I never considered myself a perfectionist.  But some of the other stuff made sense.

Also, as I discussed in my last blog posting,  I bought the book "Living Your Strengths" took the test, and was not one bit surprised at the outcome.  Strategic Thinking trumped everything else.

So what's the problem?  I've been suffering anxiety attacks that bring on physical illness - almost daily - for four months straight.

Since I'm a strategic thinker I've worked hard to problem solve.

Then, in the past ten days, two things have happened. First, I received one of the first copies of my daughter, Sarah's new book.  Sarah has been working on this book a long time but she never shared the content with me.  For me, it's a fantastic devotional, and one of the most positive books I've ever read.  But it will be powerful for folks in all walks of life, no matter where you are spirituality. Right there on the cover it says "Throw off the facade of perfection."

Last week I started seeing a highly recommended therapist.  She's not all that interested in the stress filled life I've led in the past four months, and by the way, my whole life.  She essentially said that the problem's not coming from the outside - it's coming from the inside.  She wants me to be vulnerable, not something I'm comfortable with.

I took this as good and bad news.  But then, in reading Sarah's book, I found several vignettes about me.  Some of them not easy to read - but all of them true.  And it's not like I haven't been aware of this truth for a very long time.  I wrote the poem below in the 1970s, when Sarah was a baby.  And (this is an aside) the title is a forerunner to Sarah's job as a prosecuting attorney in Dekalb County Georgia.  (She helped stop crime big time.)

HELP STOP CRIME

I accused you of a felony,
I thought you broke my heart,
And ruined my life,
But, 
After thoroughly investigating
   the crime,
I will concede,
It could have been an inside job.

Cecily Crossman 


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Michael's Wings

In the 1996 film, "Michael," John Travolta plays a loveable but deeply flawed angel complete with big bulky wings that he keeps covered with a raincoat.  The angel Micheal seemingly has some very human traits such as eating too many chocolate chip cookies and being irresistible to women (and he to them.)  He does one of his sexiest dances ever - wearing the overcoat.  He seems to operate totally from a sense of passion.

But every time Michael saves a life it takes a lot out of him and he becomes weaker.  Eventually he starts losing feathers from the wings giving us a sense of foreboding.  It's a symbol that Michael is dying.

By the way, this is a fantastic movie.  Totally entertaining.

So what does this have to do with the photo of the orchid arrangement that I just posted a couple of weeks ago telling you how much I love it?

The petals have started to fall.  Seeing them on the flower has made me unusually sad and vaguely aware of some sad memory.  Then it came to me that it's from the images of the Michael movie. I am having somewhat the sense of foreboding that I had when Michael's wings started dropping.


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Who Am I Now?

There's no crying in baseball.  Tom Hanks, "A League of Their Own."

The phrase above essentially means "Toughen up" or "Be strong." And in this context it used to mean that baseball was a man's game and men don't cry.  Hence, there's no crying in baseball.

The prevailing stereotype throughout human history is that women are predominately right brain (emotional.)  and men left brain (logical.)

Every personality test I've ever taken has shown me to be a heavily Left Brain person, meaning the logical far overrides the emotional.  I have a friend who now lives in Colorado who has somewhat the same make up.  Years ago, she told me that when her husband was near death she instantly became tough and lazer fixed on getting the proper things done.

That's what we "left brainers" do.  I was the same when both of my husbands were dying.  A few weeks ago, when my David suddenly passed away,  I was lazer focused on doing the proper things in the proper order - first calling his kids then making absolutely sure his body was prepared for donation to the UCF Medical School, per his wishes.  But prior to that, in the few months that he was recovering from an accident (before he died!) my health began falling apart.

Self knowledge has served me well over the years and I know has enabled me to be strong and helpful to others through my work and personal relationships.  And my logical thinking and self knowledge has helped me personally as well.  I have enjoyed presenting myself as A Strong Woman.

But now I'm 80!  And have a miserable, chronic illness, to which I believe my left brain dominance has contributed.  For me, the main trigger for my Meniere's episodes is anxiety.  It's like my body is saying to my brain, "Hey, Cess's brain.  You may think you're still in charge but let me show you what I'm up to."  Have I mentioned that I have always been pretty good at keeping confidences?  So naturally I still find myself knew-deep in other people's stuff.

For the past several weeks my church has been emphasizing the concept of "Living Your Strengths."  As part of that we've been urged to take a Gallop test to determine what our strengths are.  It cost 20 bucks to take the test so you have to be motivated.

I'm motivated!  I bought the book and took the test, hoping it would give me some different data at this late date.   But no...Following are my top five "strengths."

1.  Connectedness -RELATIONSHIP BUILDING.  In your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger.  You are a bridge builder for people of different cultures.  Your faith is strong.  Yes, this is me and I continue to like this.

But, in light of my current predicament and, oh yeah, the fact that I'm 80, perhaps the other four strengths need to be a little more self focused.

2.  Learner -STRATEGIC THINKING.  The process of learning rather than the outcome, excites them. 

3.  Input-STRATEGIC THINKING.  They collect information and ideas.

4.  Intellection - STRATEGIC THINKING.  They need intellectual activity. You are introspective and you appreciate intellectual discussions.

5.  Analytical - STRATEGIC THINKING.  You like data because they are value free and help you search for values and causes. 

So, no new news here!  But maybe being reminded of this left brain dominance will help me, along with a professional counselor (who won't try to hug me and say, there, there, don't worry your little head about that,) deal with my anxiety and my current propensity to watch the room spin around while I'm throwing up.

By the way,  I highly recommend this book that comes at this prospective through a theological lens, if that's your thing, as it is mine.

Living Your Strengths - From Gallup by Albert Winseman, Don Clifton and Curt Liesveld.


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Ms Monopoly

When my kids were growing up we played lots of board games.  I thought they taught all of us practical skills, like strategic thinking and the value of owning property.  In the summertime we sometimes played these games for hours or days.

So when, this past week, Hasbro came out with a new version of Monopoly called Ms. Monopoly, I was happy - but then after reading a bit about it I wasn't happy.  I was perplexed about my feelings.  But the first thing that caught my attention was that the guys are given $200 to start and the gals are given $240.

That didn't make sense to me.  I found it a bit offensive but didn't really know why, except it's not fair.  (Two wrongs don't make a right.)  But I also thought that no male member of the human race would want to play this version of game so why bother.

 I Googled the public's reaction to Ms. Monopoly and found some negative reactions.  One writer suggesting its design is supposed to empower women but it does just the opposite.

And then on Saturday, NPR's "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me," the panelists went to town on Ms. Monopoly.  One compared it to Lady Pens (a real thing) "so we could better hold it in our tiny little hands."  Then suggested that the $240 would, of course, be worth only 78 cents per dollar, and that the playing pieces would consist of a bra, and a tampon,  and that the top hat be replaced by a flowery one.  And that Park Place be replaced by "Not as Good at Parking" Place.

So by that time, I was laughing and understanding more why Ms. Monopoly might not be the best idea.

In 1904 Elizabeth Magie invented a game called The Landlord's Game.  It was created to be a "practical (negative) demonstration of the practice  of land grabbing" at that time  She later sold the patent to Parker Brothers (which later merged with Hasbro) for $500.  It, in turn, morphed into Monopoly, which, of course, encourages land grabbing.

Maybe Hasbro could invent a game about that.


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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

...you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I'll be here 'til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

If I go there will be trouble
If I stay it will be double.

- The Clash

In 2007 David and I saw a documentary called "Young At Heart," about a music director for a senior senior.  He developed a hard rock music group with these people whose average age was about 83.  We followed their rehearsals, interspersed with surgeries, oxygen masks, and even deaths.  The grand finale was them performing to a packed house.  It's highly likely that all of these folks are dead now.

My favorite part was this old, old lady (who had somewhat of a beard) belting out ...you've got to let me know, should I stay or should I go? The words took on an entirely new meaning.

I loved this documentary and loved the fact that this guy who was a hard rock pro would take on this project.

What brought it back to mind was hearing a sermon by a younger guy who, in my opinion, is an extraordinarily talented futurist who can help lead our denomination in a new direction.  The jest of the sermon was about God being involved in our decision making and, if we allow it, God may even direct our decisions.  Jon believes, as I do, that all decisions are spiritual.

But one of our challenges is that we sometimes fear decision making so much that we refuse to do it.  I used say to my children "Make a decision and make it right."

This sermon, to me, addressed The Clash song, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

- Should I stay in some of my current groups?

- Should I stay with my denomination or leave in this troubled time?

- Should I stay in my home or go a more care free lifestyle place?

- Should I have more help around here?

To me, all of these questions, as well as all the others in my life right now,  are spiritual and about relationships. I'm firm on the ones I've listed but still grappling with some others.

Check out the 2007 documentary, Young at Heart.



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Powerful Books

A friend of mine gave me this book a couple of weeks ago.  You know I don't care for "girly" books or sweet books with puppy dogs on the cover.  So when she handed me this one I thought "Oh, oh!"  The title, "Grace Disguised" and the photo of the cover made me think it probably wasn't for me.  But then she told me it was given to her when she was going through a bad time - but she couldn't read it.  It was just too hard.

So, naturally,  I was intrigued so thought I'd give it a whirl.

It was written over twenty years ago and, apparently, has been a best seller since.  The author, Jerry Sitter,  at the time it was written, was a professor of religion at Whitworth Collage.  He holds a doctorate in history from the University of Chicago.

I have something underlined on almost every page.  He starts out telling his story, which, in a nutshell, is this.  He was driving a vehicle carrying his wife, his four children, and his mother.  A drunk driver ran into them, instantly killing his wife, his youngest child, and his mother.  Another child was severely injured.

Nothing in his description is sugar coated.  He describes the catastrophic loss that leaves our lives changed forever.  Nor does he compare his tragedy to others.  He simply lays bare his story, day to day and year to year.  There were set backs.  For instance, the other driver was eventually acquitted because the prosecutors thought they had a slam-dunk case and they were ill prepared for the defense team.

Here are a couple of quotes:

All people suffer loss.  Being alive means suffering loss....But there is a different kind of loss that inevitably occurs in all our lives....This kind of loss has more devastating results, and it is irreversible.  Such loss includes terminal illness, disability, divorce, rape, emotional abuse, physical and sexual abuse, chronic unemployment, crushing disappointment, mental illness and untimely death....The results are permanent, the impact incalculable, and the consequences cumulative.

And then I saw two quotes that reminded me of myself in the loss of each of my husbands.  First, during the last few years of Ken's slow decline, physically and mentally ...

They also feel resentment, labor under constant exhaustion, worry about money, and wonder about the future.

And then when the author described his wife he was also describing David...

She laughed far more than she cried, and delighted in ordinary life.  She was good and guileless to the core of her being.

Needless to say, I love the book.

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How Am I Doing?

Who the self was before the loss, what the self feels in the loss, and how the self responds to the loss make each person's experience different from all the others.  - Jerry Sittser

I think I'm doing pretty well.  David's been gone about six weeks.  I have lots to do and people who need me so that's good.  The only times I get a little impatient is when, occasionally, not often, somebody gives me unsolicited advice on how I should be feeling.  It happened yesterday.  Someone, trying (I guess) to be nice, told me exactly how I should feel .  And, of course, I loved the part about how she said David was old so I should have expected this!!

We can't help how we feel.  Grieving is different for everyone.  I think I'm doing fine.  But I do have a somewhat inappropriate relationship with the orchid grouping in this photo.  It's not even mine.  It was given to David's daughter by her friends but there was no way to get it on the plane - so I have it.  I spent a few days at my son's house waiting for the hurricane that never came.  The only thing I was really concerned about was the orchid.  I had the hurricane door in place so it was in the dark for four days. As soon as we got the okay my granddaughters and I came back and rescued the orchid.

And yesterday when I was walking in the mall I was so happy to see that, after three months, the Apple Store was finally reopened and it is spectacular.  My first thought was David will love this.  And I had my hand on my phone ready to take a picture and send it to him.  

So looks like I'm not yet totally dealing with reality.


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